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Tuesday, June 07, 2005

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its been 6 months 8 days 12 hours...

do you ever think about me?  do you ever cry yourself to sleep?  in the middle of the night when you awake are you calling out for me?  do you ever reminisce?  i cant believe im acting like this.  i know its crazy i still can feel your kiss.  its been 6 months 8 days 12 hours since you went away.  i miss you so much and i dont know what to say.  i should be over you.  i should know bever.  but its just not the case.  its been 6 months 8 days 12 hours since you went away.  do you ever ask about me?  do your friends still tell you what to do?  every time the phone rings do you wish it was me calling you?  do you still feel the same?  or has time put out the flame?  i miss you.  is everything okay?  its hard enough just passing the time.  when i cant seem to get you off my mind.  and where is the good in goodbye? 

so that song pretty much nails it on the bulls eye for me.  i dont understand how you can not see someone for 6 months let alone not talk to them for that long and still think about them so much.  but the truth is that he is still on my mind.  i dont understand why but he is.  i thought i moved on.  it was so hard to walk away in that airport 6 months ago.  you have no idea.  i thought we were gonna be together forever.  i had it set in my mind.  it was so hard to hear that it wasnt going to work.  cause from my point of view it could have.  but i had to respect the relationship and most of all respect him and walk away.  and that was it.  that was the last i saw of him.  i got a hug and a kiss on the cheek.  the could have been one of the hardest things ive ever had to do... to just give up like that. 

but the Lord is my strength.  He was then and He is now.  He has equipped me with everything i need to get through each day.  and i love Him so incredibly much.  and the truth is that i dont know what He has planned for me.  sometimes i think i do and sometimes i wish i knew but i honestly dont know what is in store for the future.  the only thing i can do is seek Him and obey Him and He will lead me where He wants me to be... not where i want to be or think i want to be but where He wants me.  cause my Lord knows best! 
and knowing that i still wonder sometimes where he is and what he is doing.  sometimes i just want to pick up the phone and call him.  sometimes i get really close to doing it but realize that if its gonna happen it will happen in Gods time and not mine.  so i just have to quit fighting with myself and put the phone down. 

its just hard not to think about him.  i dont want to think about him.  i have a different life apart from him. 

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